There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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