did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
