The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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