M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
