I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
