he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
