On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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