two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize