If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
