everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
