now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
