Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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