if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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