I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
