eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
handjob tips. give me some.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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