someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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