Someone shit on the floor
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
