Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
