Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
