I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
