I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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