; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
