my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Someone shattered a urinal.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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