My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
