it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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