Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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