i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
