Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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