i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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