Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
