you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
