don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
