she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
