My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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