Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
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