She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
