last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
