Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
