I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
