I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
