He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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