someone threw a dead crab at me
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
