Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
