i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We got so high we made milksteak
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
