I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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