just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
