This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize