everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
