I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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