Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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