This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
worst night to have a conscience
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We were destined to go to rehab together
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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