Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
