I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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