Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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