Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
