Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize