Im at strip club and am horny
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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